illusions

A day of confusions...

After this great weekend which a had after a long time, the reality comes very quick. talked two hours with L. yesterday - about the weeks ago, about our relationsship and that it can't go on like this.
It was partly very intresting what I heard... but I have the feeling that she know more as she admit to me. On the one hand I can't wait for the after next day but on the other hand I am scared.
On the one hand the pleasure, to see someone beloved, on the other the certainty to hurt him. I know it yet that he will be lost - and that it hurts to think over. He is not gratuitous equal to me and damn, he is very important for me. There aren't gratuitous dark moments in the last months which are due to his frame of mind but i can't change it, there will have left traces - in my head, too.

I only can hope that it won't be too painful and a mutual hurting...

we will see

thoughts

"what was the reason that you hurt yourself? To cut yourself, to burn yourselfu, etc.?"

06.09.2005 18:23
I always try to hesitate the desire tillI can't avoid it anymore...
and this are moments where everything's going wrong and nothing works anymore, all coincide like a house of cards. und where withdraw closeness to me at moments where I especially need it most.
then I just want feel that I'm alive or that I can feel anything, that my body shows any reaction...
There are times where such moments are not that frequent and not that acute and diversion reachs for a while but lately moments occur increasingly where nothing works...